One of the last casts supervised by Auguste Rodin of “The Thinker” in front of the Cleveland Museum of Art (acquired in 1917)
“In short, Beauty is everywhere. It is not that she is lacking to our eyes, but our eyes which fail to perceive her. Beauty is character and expression…The work of art is already within the marble. I just chop off what isn’t needed.” Auguste Rodin
Sculpture is my favorite form of art, so this cancer journey has been ironic.
Cancer has a way of chiseling away at a person, removing what doesn’t really matter, leaving behind what does. What’s immediately apparent, and a struggle is what is lost. In two years, I’ve gone from being a vibrant, “healthy,” yoga-teaching, hands-on-parenting, working, young-ish woman with long curly hair, to being an old-and-sick-looking lady who needs a wheelchair to tour Istanbul with her family. It didn’t happen right away. I put up a good fight. For the first year and a half, I managed to continue running, doing yoga, cooking, eating, working, fighting cancer with every traditional and nontraditional tool in the book…being more or less myself, while carrying the burden of advanced disease and often a bald head. Then, things went downhill fast, as they sometimes do with high-grade cancers. In July, my running slowed down. In August, I gave my last speech. In September, I was grateful I could still deliver empathy workshops virtually. By October, I struggled against pain to participate in zoom meetings, while eating became difficult and cooking impossible. I was grateful to still be able to watch our son play soccer. By November, we realized Thanksgiving at home was not going to be a celebration and opted for one more chance to live here in Istanbul, leaving our kids to celebrate with family, without their parents. It’s a family affair, these losses, including the sense that life is secure, we are immortal, and we will always have each other here on earth.
What is harder to see in the midst of the losses, is what’s found. What’s new. What’s reorganized about people and life. In the dark moments, I cast about, fishing for these insights. In the lighter times, they come easily. There is a certain symmetry to it all. For everything that is lost, something is found. Mostly, it’s a transition from ego to something else…something bigger and more universal. Something beyond the self. Here is what has come to mind 2 years into this journey…
Lost – figure, hair, vanity, whatever I used to think was beautiful…found – how gray my hair really is, appreciation for the pixie cut, and a kind of liberation from society’s gaze. In a way, it’s accelerated aging. This is what women in particular talk about when they say getting older is becoming invisible. It’s sad but true in American society. It hasn’t been an easy transition, but I’m struck by both the shift and the upside of freedom.
Lost – the opportunity to parent our teenage children at close range, including cooking for and spoiling them on holidays and birthdays during this treatment in Istanbul…found – a remarkable village willing to step in and take up the slack, how much goodwill our kids have built, and how incredibly capable our 18 and 19-year-old children are of living in this world (and traveling internationally during a pandemic!). Although I will never, ever stop wanting to cook for, love, hug, advise as needed, and pamper them, I have seen how well they can stand on their own two feet. It’s good for us as parents and for them to know this now. I don’t think I underestimated them, but it’s simply awesome to see them in action.
Lost – countless chances to do work that matters in the world, much of which I was in the midst of doing when I was diagnosed…found – an ever more authentic voice, crystal clear priorities, new creative outlets for pent-up energy, and the hope that work can continue in deeper and more meaningful ways when I am well. I’m grateful for those of you who read and respond to these posts, as well as colleagues who involve me when and as I can work. I’m a recovering workaholic. So this tradeoff has been another struggle, which brings me to…
Lost – the frenzy of doing a lot…found – the good, bad, and ugly of more time. What this means is that I’ve had to face down feelings, history, and the reasons behind my addiction to motion. To deal with them. To resolve them as best as I can, so that when I’m well, I live a more balanced, patient life.
Lost – the relationship I knew with my husband, between two busy, independent, peaceful, and loving people…found – an unexpected intimacy, new interdependence, and depth of soul-to-soul understanding that comes with the deepest conversations of all after 23 years. We never had reason to reflect so poignantly on the life we built together, legacy, a “good passing,” and what we hope for each other and our kids, even in the other’s absence before. We also have an appreciation for all the little things we took for granted, like the moments we’re out to dinner and feel as though we’re on a “normal” date night again.
Lost – a body that moves, breathes, eats, and functions easily…found – appreciation for all the people who suffer physically in this world as well as an understanding of my own capacity for this kind of sustained suffering (before I turn into a raging bitch!). In short, empathy for anyone struck by physical discomfort and disease, especially for the too many cancer victims and their families. I also gained a fierce determination to understand and expose as much of the why/how/what we do about cancer as I can in this lifetime. What I’m still finding, little by little, day by day, is an appreciation for things I used to consider automatic, such as eating without discomfort, walking to the store, cooking a meal again…eventually, even returning to that headstand in yoga for a different perspective.
Lost – the days when I was the one delivering food and comfort to people who were sick or hurting…found – the exquisite beauty of vulnerability and how much joy others take in helping when and where they can. In many ways, vulnerability is a portal to the best of humanity, a view our family won’t forget. I was a pretty extroverted and networked person before all of this went down, but we connect through our vulnerabilities. Sharing this cancer journey has exponentially multiplied the people I’ve heard from since, offering a poignant opportunity to be in the flow of the #CurrencyOfEmpathy. As John Mellencamp sang, it “hurts so good.”
Lost – a sense that life is limitless, not just for me, but for our whole family…found – a realization that limits make meaning. Knowing we don’t have each other forever really does make us appreciate the time we have together more. Of course, I hope it’s still decades to come and there is more after this life as we know it, but the saying that you can only really live when you accept death is real for us now.
There you have it, a sample of the “lost and found” of one person’s cancer journey so far. Perhaps this is just an accelerated version of what we all go through as we age. It feels like that. In the United States, where ageism is real and people strive to look and be younger all the time, we’d do well to realize what we’re gaining as we move along through life too.
Photo credit: Special thanks to Professor John Protesiewicz for the picture of Rodin’s Thinker in front of the Cleveland Museum of Art
Dear Jackie, This post knocked me over. The first words I read with my coffee this morning were yours. Taken by lost and found, I believe you’ve nailed it.
Sending well wishes for next week’s chemo to be easier.
Love,
Jo
Dear Jo – your words mean a lot. You know. Thank you. Love, Jackie
Thinking of you Jackie. You remain as articulate and empathetic as when we first met.
Wonderful to hear from you Martin! Thank you so much
Jackie- Love you so much, Jackie. What beautiful words. Thank you for sharing with the world. We miss you and John so much and send lots of love and hugs from Cleveland. ❤️❤️❤️
Miss and love you too! I think often of our adventures in Vietnam. In good moments, Istanbul feels like that. Xo, jackie
You share wisdom with grace and eloquence. Thanks
Thank you, Hank!
This is beautiful, Jackie. I had to read it twice, and I’ll likely read it again. So many lessons here. Love, Jen
Jackie, I’m sitting here in bed, dealing with my second round of covid. While everyone else in the house is up and starting their day I’m tucked away in my room for what feels like forever. Reading this ignited something in me…a reminder to appreciate, to balance, to prioritize, to be. You have a beautiful way with the pen. Thank you and be strong. Jennifer
Jennifer – I’m sorry you’re dealing with covid again but glad the company of these words helped. Thank you for your encouragement and hope you feel better soon
Jackie
I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts and think of how strong you are! This is a really nice reminder that we all need to take a step back from our daily lives and find what is important.
Thank you
Much love
Sonia
Thanks for your encouragement, Sonia. Much love back to you, Jackie
Jackie, I am always so touched by your posts. They inspire me to think, and not just continue to have my days and moods dictated by my to-do list. I have that addiction to being in motion, as you put it so perfectly. There are so many beautiful, encouraging comments under this essay, and that just adds to the incredible experience of reading your posts. You have built a radiant community of love, support and friendship. It’s so beautiful to behold!
Thank you for reading and reaching out, Margaret. It’s always wonderful to hear from you. I’m amazed and buoyed by the comments too!
Jackie – I hope you know how much your words mean to do many. You are simply an extraordinary person. Sending much love your way. Thank you for inviting us all along this journey with you – your reflections are the catalyst for many of us to reconsider the way we look at our own lives.
Means a lot, coming from you Sam. I really look forward to being together with you in NYC again. Much love
Good morning Jackie from a very cold Rochester Hills Michigan. As I’m getting my day going even before I read your post I was thinking of how to share some support with a family who is struggling right now with the loss of their father. Your insights are so powerful they will certainly allow me to share with this family some ways to deal with their loss. Thank you again for allowing us to join you in your journey. Sending you love, peace, and light… And please give John a hug for me!
Fr. Brian
Hi Fr. Brian! I’m friends with Jackie too. I’m so glad you’re able to support her. I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering with loss. I’m so grateful you can support Jackie on her journey. Sending peace, strength & love.
Xoxoxo
Jackie, your words and perspective on life brought tears to my eyes. You are quite amazing! I hope that your fight gets easier and that you come home soon. Shelby and I look forward to that day! Keep up the fight… lots of people are cheering for you!
Thank you, Lisa. Miss you guys a lot! Much love
Hi Jackie,
This post gave me lots to think about from your perspective. Two thoughts to share: First, go easy on yourself about your looks. I don’t see an old woman looking back at me. I see Jackie’s still beautiful face with cropped hair that looks great on my tiny friend sporting her signature smile. Truly. Second, your words — addicted to motion — gave me an ah-ha moment. You put words to what I am feeling in my own life as I adjust to a different pace since retiring from a nonstop career, Thank you, dear friend, for your insight, a gift to me. I love you, Jackie.
Thank you, Cindy. Love you too
Dear Jackie- Such an amazing gift for you to share so much. Your reflections are inspiring. I am amazed that you have the energy to share all of this with us given what you are going through. So grateful to have had my 30 minutes with you sometime in the midst of this and remembering ALL the good times we had back when we were young. You’re right that our culture worships youth and it’s great to cultivate an appreciation for aging and mortality. Passing out of this world is not optional for us mortals, so it’s truly a gift to watch you go and grow. When people lose their parents, that fount of memories keeps us going. You have created and are creating so many good ones. THANK YOU!!
As are you, singing with your beautiful Mom. I love those videos. Your voice!! Thank you. I look forward to a time when we can see each other in person again. xo
Thank you for sharing Jackie. I can relate to so many of these feelings. Cancer makes certain emotions and thoughts crystal clear. I find that the perspective I gained from watching an up close and personal cancer battle has reshaped the way I look at many things, sometimes good and sometimes bad. No one wants to be in this close to cancer club but your willingness to share the journey makes an impact on all of us.. Your words are so powerful and are making each of us think as we read them. Sending loads of positive energy your way ❤️
Thank you, Hallie. Much love to you
Jackie
This post is amazing. The lost and found in all of our lives is there, if only we would look. As a older woman, your comments about aging and being invisible really struck home with me. As one of those workaholic women, once I left that environment, it was if I never existed. Invisible indeed. But then I found other ways to make my presence known, as you have found. This post is simply profound and has deeply touched me. Thank you. And prayers are still coming. I look forward to doing yoga with you again!
I know that I’ve been inspired by doing yoga with you, so that’s one upside of more time! Looking forward to more as well. Namaste…and peace
Dearest Jackie, Often when I wake during the night, you are there with me, so I pray for you and your family. I pray for your body, soul, spirit, and. mind – for the whole of you. It is crushing to witness your suffering, and it is sobering and soul-lifting to read your musings. You put to words the cycle of life and teach us to live fully in all its seasons. You show us how to live with courage. I wish I could reach my arms to Turkey and hug you. Much love and prayers, Mary Rose
Jackie, thank you for sharing your insights and inviting us to look beyond and focus on what matters. You are such an inspiration! I so hope that more and more people take the time to read and reflect on your posts and that your journey becomes easier. May this New Year bring you and your family all you are hoping for.
It is getting a little easier every day, Lee. Thank you so much! Every time I see your name, I dream of Greek Island hopping 🙂
Dear Jackie,
Thank you for again, sharing your experience at such a deep level. Understanding your experience helps others (including me!) both focus prayers and support and also to apply your learnings to our own corners of the universe, Your suffering, which I am so sorry you are experiencing, becomes generative. Your”teaching” not only continues but is more powerful now.
Sending strength and hope for this third week of this round of treatment, May there be more “found” than “lost” in the period ahead.
You are such an amazing woman….
💕
What a beautiful note. Thanks so much, Debra!
Well said Jackie. I was such a meanie to Jim last fall and after I came out of the fog thanked him again and again for putting up with me. Having the right partner in life makes all the difference. Now I’m back to laying around again stuck in my bedroom with the Corona virus but thankfully my mood is much better than last year!
The right partner is so important. We sure are lucky there. Hope you feel better soon, Leta
Jackie, thank you for including us in your journey. You are truly beautiful, inside and out! We are praying for you daily! ❤️🙏🏻❤️🩹🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻❤️🩹
J and G
Love you, Jenny
Wow. Just. Wow. I’ve often heard of people who don’t “get it” until tragedy strikes. You aren’t one of those people. Jacob wasn’t one of those people. You both “get it” on a daily basis. Cancer may slow you physically, and at times, spiritually, it hasn’t stopped your empathy, love, and convictions. And, yes, the closest thing I’ve come to Harvard is that damn comma! Thanks for the chat yesterday. Wishing you all As-salamu alaykum, Shalom, and peace!
Brandt, I’m humbled that you would include Jacob and me in the same paragraph. It’s been amazing to get to know him through your writing. He’s very much present and an inspiration always, as are you and your family. Much love and peace to all of you. And yes, wonderful to catch up! Looking forward to more
Jackie – I’ve been in awe of you since the day our paths crossed and that awe and amazement just continues to grow. You’re a gift to all who know you. I just can’t put into words how much being on this path with you during your journey has meant to me personally. With deep gratitude for you and prayers for your continuing fight.
The feeling is mutual Amy. I look forward to more chances to be together in CLE going forward. Xo
I remember when you walked into L’Albatros where I worked and greeted you by name. You wondered how I remembered your name. I didn’t go into specifics and how teaching as a career plays into memory.
But I mostly found you totally memorable for your vibrancy and beauty. I still do. Your thoughts are so you and inspiring.
Wow. That means a lot. Thank you so much for sharing, Frances!
My dear friend, you nailed it! You expressed so beautifully exactly how I feel❤️ Thank you for putting words to all of my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Wishing you peace, health and blessings as you journey on in Istanbul❤️ You are loved ❤️
Love, love, love you, Carrie. It has meant the world to me to have your company on this journey. Xoxoxo
Thank for sharing your your experience with us. You are such a strong woman. Your comments make us all take a look at our own lives and and give us hope that we could meet our our own problems with your strength,
Your eloquence and poise continue to amaze me. Keep fighting!
I am! Thanks, JR.
Thank you Jackie for sharing your journey so beautifully!
Yours are truly words to live by!
I look forward to reading your story as it continues when you return from Istanbul and many years thereafter. Love you!
Love you too!
Thank you for another inspirational message, Jackie! Your balancing losts with founds reflects your experience with overcoming hardships, recognizing the priceless lessons learned by working through life’s most difficult times. Your family is a reflection of the love you so freely give them. What a gift to see the strong, resilient adults they’re becoming, recognizing that they’re people you would choose as friends. As one who gave up on dark hair decades ago, I realize that the only one who minded was my nonagenarian mom, who complained that I made her look old. You’re beautiful inside and out, my friend. Sent with love and prayers.
It is liberating not to color my hair, and your beautiful hair is an inspiration. Thank you for your encouraging words Denise!
Thank you for this post and for “being you”. And thank you for helping us all to contemplate these important ‘losts’ and ‘founds’. When my dad passed away, it was a reminder that parents form the “roof over our lives” and when they go, we can feel very exposed to the world. Your words really help us all stay grounded and face all our challenges with strength.
I’m also loving your pics from Istanbul. We toured there with the kids about 10 years ago, and I can all but feel the warm sun and breeze on my face, and smell the spices in the salty sea air when I see the lovely pics of you and your family.
Love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing Megan. Miss you. Love back to you!
Oh Jackie, this just hits home on every level. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and vulnerability.
As I sit back and watch your journey I am so humbled by the truth of all you share. You my friend are making a difference in so many lives including mine. I am grateful for the few times we have spoken. Sending you and your family so many prayers and hugs.
Thank you,. Thank you. Thank you. 🙏
You know all too well, Dori. I so appreciate your company on this journey. Xo
Jackie your words are so important – really makes me stop and take life in – do the things I push off till tomorrow today – you are amazing thank you for grounding us and giving us a different veiw- love you and thinking about you everyday
Love you too
You are a beautiful writer and person. Many people who don’t know you personally will be positively impacted by your words and story. Praying for continued strength for you and your family.
Thanks so much, Jennifer
Jackie, I find my body signals me when I need a post from you. I needed to hear from you today & lo & behold, your post shows up in my email. I think I crave your words & insight. Thank you as you’ll never know how much I need to hear you. I don’t know how you do it, but I applaud your optimism & ability to see. I’m sending strength & peace thru prayer to you. I miss you. Please keep fighting. Please keep us posted on your progress. I am really worried.
Oh, sweetheart! I’m so glad the posts help. It helps me to write them and be in conversation with you. The treatments are working, and I’m feeling a little better every day. We can be hopeful! Much love, Jackie
This is so tender, Jackie.
I’ am holding you in heart and mind.
Thanks so much, Shari. xo
Jackie,
Thank you for the wisdom and the opportunity to share empathy. I was just thinking today that I was “free” of an awareness that things are finite until my late 40s, and maybe I’ll find a way to be “free” in the knowing. It’s truly one of the greatest challenges I think I’ve faced so far. Your insights and words help and resonate so much. Love to you as always.
The transition out of the 40’s can feel big, but also liberating. You’ll find your footing, no doubt. Stick close to those kids. They’ve kept me feeling vibrant, no matter what. Much love
Jackie – You have taught (and challenged) me in numerous and significant ways over the years. I want you to know how much I appreciate how your posts continue to do so! Thanks for being and sharing!
Wonderful to hear from you, Ray. Our work together was always so nourishing for me too. I’d love to think we’ll find ways to do more. In any case, hope to see you when I’m back in CLE. All the best to you, Jen, your girls, and everyone at Jumpstart
Jackie,
Love to follow your thoughts! You are an exceptional person and your thinking about life touches me deeply. I thank you for sharing and send you love and hopes for your recovery. Un abrazo fuerte.
Thanks so much, James! Un abrazo fuerte a ti tambien!!
Jackie, such a beautiful post. Your words hit home. I spent the first 1/2 of my treatment dwelling on the “lost” and perceived future losses. Spending the 1/2 half and last 11 years focusing on the “found” has given me hope, purpose and life! With you every step of the way. Sending so much love to you and John, Sophie and Grant
I’ve seen lots of found shining through you, Karen, and it’s inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing. Much love back to you, Brian, and your family
Jackie as always you touch us with your words as if you were draping us with flowers. I feel like I’ve lost the discomfort I used to have in speaking about serious illness including my own breast cancer which luckily has been in remission for 10 years and found a willingness to appreciate what I used to call a bad day as great. Your words remind us of how gratitude can change all perspectives in life. Thank you for being you. 💕
Rosanne, I didn’t realize you’re part of this club. I’m sorry, and…you get it. Thank you for sharing. Much love
Thank you Jackie. This touched me very deeply in the moment and will stay with me for some time. There’s a lot to think about and digest for all of us. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Thanks so much, Julie
Jackie! Brian and I read this aloud in the kitchen. So wish we were cooking for you. He is making black chickpeas from scratch (!) so the house is filled with a savory aroma you would appreciate.
Great to hear you have found the Lightning Club – that’s how I refer to my bright, striking hair. Cannot wait to see yours!
Heaps of love, Jane and Brian
Oh, Jane and Brian. I can’t wait to be back in your kitchen again! And yes, your beautiful hair is an inspiration. Lots of love!
Jackie
Wow…not the best description but it’s the best I can do…..just wow. Your insights and perspective are just amazing. I am so in awe of your wisdom. I hope to be as vulnerable as you. Please keep hanging in there. Prayers as always with you.
Hugs,
April
Thank you so much, April!
Beautiful, in every way!
Thank you, Becca
I am trying to identify the feelings I’m having after reading your words. I think I understand my ambivalence since you explore both what you’ve gained and lost on your profound journey. Thank you for allowing us to learn from your intimate experiences. It is a gift and I am grateful. Sending you love and healing prayers….❤️😘🙏
Your recent post about letting women age came through as I was writing this one. Made me smile. Thank you for being here and for the love and prayers. One of my little dreams is to come to Knuth’s to see you and get a nice outfit when I get home… Xo
Let’s make that dream a reality!! We’ll be beautiful swamp witches together!! Hugging you from CLE!!!
🙂 Xo
“Lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.”
“Brightness”
Good morning. I hope the sun is shining in Istanbul. In any case, thank you for your recent note. Your ability to reflect and multiply empathy back to others is pretty special. I suppose the amplifying, positive feedback aspect of empathetic connection is one of your “main messages.” (Please coach me if I am not getting this quite right.) In any case and as best as I am able, I’d like to send a bit back your way.
While you reflect thoughtfully on things lost and found, I intend(ed) to remind you that your “brightness”, which has certainly been with you from the beginning, is only growing stronger and more lasting… along the multiple dimensions that “brightness” can be defined. But forgive me, I couldn’t quite succinctly find the right words that adequately captured my sentiment. For now, I’ll simply say that you are a guiding light to many, including me.
Still sending as much healing strength and prayers your way as I can. Looking forward to seeing you upon your return Cleveland. Continued love to you and your family.
Thank you so much, Dean. Your words are healing to me. Xo
Jackie, your words are beautiful just like you. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us and, in doing so, inspiring us to be better versions of ourselves. Peace and blessings to you.
Thanks so much, Sondra.
Jackie. I have read all of your blogs and have been quietly experiencing your journey for quite some time. I want you to know you are changing my life with your wisdom. Thank you. I’m here if you ever need anything!
Wonderful to hear from you, Kendra. Thank you.
Thank you immensely for taking the time to remind us of the true meaning of life, both in the lost and found and in your earlier letter on love. I think of these posts as letters because they are shared with such compassion. I know it can’t be easy to summon up the energy to share your experience in words, but I am grateful for it. Keep up the great “work” and get well!
Thank you, Lynn. It helps me to write and to hear from you. Yes, I think of them as letters too. It helps me be connected as I look forward to coming home.
This read for me like a spiritual meditation and I used it that way this morning. I have always appreciated your insights Jackie but your latest writings are food for my soul. What a gift you are giving us in your cancer journey. Despite all of the tremendous suffering you demonstrate courage and empathy and grace. Each a unique offering that invites us to examine these qualities in our own lives. You are so beautiful, truly inside and out. Thank you.
Thanks so much, Debbie. This means a lot.
Jackie
What a gift you are giving all of us. So much of what you’ve “found” are opportunities for all of us to reflect upon. I’m so glad the kids were able to come over. Sending you love and strength from afar. L
Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much, Lauren. Love back to you
Found – CurrencyofEmpathy. Jackie – your words are so insightful and inspiring. I have loved catching up on past essays and really look forward to reading every updated post. You are an amazing teacher! Thank you. Wishing you peace, health and many more great finds as you proceed on this journey.
Wonderful to hear from you, Dave. It means a lot that my writing resonates with you. I hope you’re all well and look forward to more time together when we’re back home!
Jackie,
We do not know each other but I am grateful to learn about your journey through a mutual friend, Ann Smith.
My personal journey with cancer through my sister’s diagnosis has been one of intense learning and spiritual growth.
To see this so poignantly through your posts opens up an understanding for me of what my sister’s range of emotions and thoughts are at any given moment.
She is much more guarded with her emotions.
Your path has been somewhat similar yet she is just beginning. Your ability to dig into the deeper crevices of emotion and growth in all of this have given me a gift of understanding and empathy that I would not have had otherwise.
For that I thank you.
Thank you for allowing someone who doesn’t know you to gaze through the lens with which you see this journey.
You have made it possible for me to support my sister in ways that I may not have discovered on my own.
I see the catharsis in these posts for you. Know that this is a gift to anyone experiencing cancer or those who love them.
Sending you healing light and energy.
Thank you so much for reaching out, Karen. It means a lot to know that my writing helps you understand what your sister is going through. I hope her treatment is effective and tolerable. Yes, there is catharsis in the posts…a kind of making sense of what’s happening. I really appreciate hearing from you, as well as the light and energy. I feel it.
Jackie, For me, you’re right up there with Richard Rohr who I love to read his daily spiritual emails. Even though I can’t be with you physically in the yoga studio, I can’t tell you how your writings lift me up and literally change how I see things. Thanks for the gift of sharing your thoughts and experiences with us all. You’re a Saint I can totally relate to! And as always I keep you in my prayers. Namaste my friend.
Namaste, Mark! I’ve been nourished by Richard Rohr through the years as well, so I receive your comments as high praise…and with humility. I miss being in yoga with you but am so glad for the ways we can stay connected, including here! Be well, dear friend. I look forward to seeing you back in CLE!
Wow Jackie, one thing you have not lost is the ability to communicate and influence. Its almost 25 years ago since I had the pleasure of working on one if your teams. You were an incredible project lead – brilliant thinker but even more amazing communicator. Perhaps the most important thing I learned from you was that a strong leader can become even stronger by sharing some of their vulnerabilities. Unfortunately now you have found a way to harness the power of the intense vulnerability you are experiencing to communicate in a truly profound way. You are so generous to share your incredible insights from your challenging experience. I’m learning so much from you. Thank you
I have such fond memories of us working together Aileen. Wonderful to hear from you today! Thank you so much for your encouragement. It means a lot
Jackie, your writing is so articulate and clear. I can see my experiences in yours. There is nothing “good” about cancer, and yet there are gifts that come from being vulnerable, as you say, and forced to live on a cusp between life and death. So many things come into sharper focus and so much falls to the wayside. I was never as physically ravaged as you have been, but somehow I know exactly what you’re describing. You have such a gift in your writing, which is obviously one of many that you possess. I struggle to find or make meaning in my recovery, I think because it is a work in progress but also because who’s given the opportunity to recover is so arbitrary. It’s not for lack of gratitude. Cancer changes you but it takes time to see the ways in which those changes are manifest. Your sculptural metaphor is so beautiful. Sending you prayers for peace, strength, and recovery.
Thank you so much for sharing Candace. I can imagine it’s always a work in progress. Similarly, I cannot make sense of the people who did not make it this far. Especially younger people, children, young adults. It’s truly so unfair.Your words make a lot of sense to me, even now. I wish you all the best in recovery and look forward to being in touch.
Jackie. I cried when I read your post. Articulate empathic determined. And inspiring. Being on the other side of cancer I lost my sister she was my best friend in 2007 to ovarian. I can only begin to understand the journey you are on Please know that you will be in my prayers and that I am sending all my love and energy for your full recovery
Oh, Dr. Arnstine! I remember her picture in your office. I didn’t know it was ovarian…that we would have this in common. It’s wonderful to hear from you under any circumstances. I appreciate your love and energy. Looking forward to being in touch. Much love back to you
Thank you Jackie for the beautiful and inspiring lessons you continue to share with us during your journey. This post was especially touching and meditative. I’m sending continued prayers for healing and recovery and for many more inspiring finds.
Thanks so much Jennifer
I don’t know if you remember me but we met at the Cleveland Police Women’s Group. Monica forwarded your blog to Commander Kutz and he sent them to me. I was diagnosed with stage 4a ovarian cancer November 1st. I had surgery on the 16th and I am about to have round 2 of chemo. Reading your blog is like reading my mind and my journal. I would love to connect with you somehow and discuss supplements and the treatment you are receiving in Turkey. You are in my prayers!!
Hi Vicki, I’m so sorry to hear of your cancer but glad you connected. I’ll be updating the blog every few weeks, so you can certainly follow along here. It’s also possible to connect on email. I’ll send you a message now. I wish you all the best with your treatments. There are too many of us 🙁
Jackie, I have a lump in my throat reading this, its profound and is really making me take a look around my own life. You are inspiring, your writing your thoughts hits me like I have never felt before. From your experience I am taking steps for my own life right now, Thank you. Be well my friend
🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️
Jackie–
I have been following your journey through Susan and your blog. I particularly loved this entry! Your courage and fortitude are an inspiration to us all. My wishes and hopes go out to you.
Thanks so much, Peter. It means a lot, coming from you. I hope the celebration of your mom is bringing comfort and peace to your whole family, including your dad. Much love to you all!
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
This world is truly better because of you. Love you so my beautiful friend!
Love you too, Steff ❤️
I didn’t comment on this post when I first read it because it was so absolutely moving that I was not sure how to articulate my feelings. I am still not sure. I often explore the lost and found of events, experiences, and life in general. Even those of us who think we have “perspective” truly don’t know how much we have until we lose something really important. You are a person who has given so much and have so much more to give. Thanks for continuing to share it all with me. I can’t wait to be “found” in your backyard again with a nice homemade muffin and your beautiful family and sweet dog Rocky. Much love.
Thank you, Susan. You’re so right. We find so much through and with each other. I look forward to being with you again soon. Can’t wait to see what we find. Love you